Press Release: Adidas Skateboarding Welcomes Chad Muska

"April 7, 2008
Adidas Skateboarding Announces Addition Of Chad Muska To The Team
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Today Adidas Skateboarding, a team which includes skateboarding greats such as Mark Gonzales, Dennis Busenitz, Tim O'Connor, and Dave Mayhew announced that they have acquired another of skateboarding's heavy hitters: Chad Muska. The announcement came as a surprise to many in the skateboarding world as it seemed as though Muska had found a solid home at Supra Footwear. But Chad Muska's decision to venture forward with his choice of shoe sponsor was revealed at the press conference late this morning:


"Yeah yeah baby, Adidas is the bommmmmmmmmmmb baby!" Muska remarked to the press in attendance. "It's like, I always been on that hella fly fresh shit, you know? And Adidas is definitely that hella fly fresh shit. From Run DMC to Ivan Lendl, Adidas got their ish covered, you know baby?"

"It just made sense to us" commented Frank Abernathy, head of Adidas Research & Development, "Adidas is one of the biggest and most well known shoe brands in the world, and Chad Muska is definitely one of the biggest and most well known skateboarders in the world. We believe in sponsoring the legends of skateboarding, such as Mark Gonzales, and Chad Muska is definitely a legend. In fact one may consider him the Mark Gonzales of handrails. Who better then to have on a team together than "The Gonz" and "The Muska"?

"On top of this, just as Adidas is so much more than just a tennis company, or a basketball company, or a skateboard company, so too is Chad Muska much more than a skateboarder. Music producer, clothing and shoe designer, DJ, entrepreneur, fashion icon, Hollywood a-lister, the accolades go on and on. I mean how many pro skaters out there do you see who can tailslide and noseslide hubbas with such ease during the day, and hang out with celebrities like Paris Hilton at night?


When asked if he was going to have a pro model, Muska stepped back up to the podium. "Alright, yo check this out baby. Yes, I'm gonna have a pro model, and yes, it's gonna be off the heezy. Yo, remember the Supra Skytop and how popular that was? You ain't seen nothin yet. Personally I always wanted to go a little higher with that joint, but Supra was holding me back. With me and Adidas, ain't nothin holdin us back. My pro model is going to be the Adidas Muska Super Skytop, and I assure you, these are the joints."

A pamphlet including a picture of the upcoming Muska shoe was then given to the press in attendance, and can be seen pictured below:

When asked if he'd like to give any last words, Muska wrapped up the press release with the following statement:
"Yeah yeah yeaaaaaaah baby! Check one two, one two, this is my NEW shit!"

Girl Skateboards Welcomes Frank Gerwer

Okay, so that was going to be the title of another fake press release that I was going to do. See at work we've been playing this DLX tour video, Summer Comes Early and in it there is one scene where Frank Gerwer is wearing a Girl Mariano shirt, the one with the old Claudia Schiffer graphic. So I thought to myself "that would make a funny post, a fake press release about Gerwer riding for Girl." I was gonna go into the whole thing with fake quotes from Rick Howard and Megan Baltimore and all that, and say how "Even though Frank is not the most ripping skater out there, he is one of the funniest, and that means a lot to us here at Girl." And a quote about "Don't worry we'll still be releasing classic Gerwer pro models such as "Che Gerwera and Gerwer Baby. (Not to be confused with the Gerwer Babies.)"

But then I just sort of blew it off as not a great idea. But yesterday I saw the poster for this:

And I thought, "Man this is just too good, it ties in perfectly", so last night I decide I would do the press release after all. I even came up with this bogus story about how this tour was just an excuse to try out which riders they wanted to steal from Anti-Hero. On top of that, there is a scene in Summer Comes Early where Dennis Busenitz is wearing a tall tee so I figured I'd grab a screen capture of that and work it in. The idea was "We're currently looking at picking up some other DLX riders. We've had our eye on Dennis Busenitz for awhile, but think he needs a makeover. We're currently in the process of trying out a few new looks for him." And then I'd show the tall tee picture.

The problem is, I woke up this morning and loaded Summer Comes Early on Google Video and YouTube, and the quality on both of them were such shit, that the screen captures are completely un-useable. Here they are:


Terrible.

I even came up with an excuse to make it a YWS press release expose saying "Sorry for the quality of the pictures. These were highly top secret photos of the new Girl team members that we had to poach from long distances." The Busenitz picture is useable, but fuck it dude, you can't even tell what shirt Gerwer is wearing in that picture. Fuckin internet. So yeah, that's the press release that could have been, sorry.

But in all actuality, rumour has it that Girl actually has picked up a few new riders recently, and they just haven't been announced yet. Can't wait to find out who....

Press Release: Dan Watson Retires From Blogging

"April 1, 2008
Dan Watson Announces Retirement From Professional Blogging
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In a move that shocked the blogging world at large, YouWillSoon held a press conference yesterday to announce that Dan Watson is retiring from the world of professional blogging.

"Well, I've had a good run, I've made some big posts, and I've gained some recognition. I've made some people laugh, and I've made some people mad", the outrageously handsome blogger told the press in attendance. "I honour and cherish my time as a blogger, and a member of the YouWillSoon team, but the fact of the matter is, this can't last forever, and a nigga gots ta get paid."


"I really love the fact that I've been able to amass a group of fans of the blog who check on a regular basis, and leave comments." Watson stated "But unfortunately having fans that read a free blog site does not amount to much of a career. And as we all know, it's all about the dollar you fags."

"Let's face it" Watson continued, leaning forward on the podium, "I could make fun of Sheckler forever. I could just keep writing blog after blog after blog about how much I hate the music in Fully Flared. But at the end of the day, where does that get me? Definitely not any steps closer to a comfortable retirement. With this being said I must officially announce my retirement from blogging in order to pursue a much more lucrative career in the field of professional fingerboarding."

"There are a lot of similarities between blogging and fingerboarding." he went on to explain. "In one you use your fingers to create words. In the other your fingers create kickflips. And you know.... shit like that."

Seen below is a video of Watson in his new profession:


"Fans of the blog site need not worry." Watson assured the crowd. "YouWillSoon will live on. In my absence Ian will continue to post mildly humourous Vancouver-centric anecdotes, while Pulv is good for a YouTube clip or two a month. The future of YouWillSoon is in good hands. Unfortunately those hands can not be mine as from this point on, they will be engaged in nollie flip nosegrinds down tiny little 10 stair hubbas. Thank you, and goodnight."

Press Release: Dollin Retires From Skateboarding

"Tuesday March 4, 2008
Dustin Dollin Announces Retirement From Professional Skateboarding
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In a move that shocked the skateboard world at large, Baker Skateboards held a press conference yesterday to announce that Dustin Dollin is retiring from the world of professional skateboarding.

"Well I've had a good run, I grinded some big rails, I had a bunch of pro-model boards, wheels, and trucks. I've had pro model denim with Volcom, and I've had a series of very successful pro-model shoes with the Vans shoes company." The Australian native told the press in attendance. "I honour and cherish my time as a pro skater, but the fact of the matter is that I'm getting older and my body just can't take the punishment much longer. I'm known for going pretty big, and it's taken a toll on my body."

Andrew Reynolds, the founder and owner of Baker went on to state. "This is a huge loss to Baker Skateboards, not to mention all of skateboarding. Dustin is one of a kind, both as a person, and as a skater. I'm sad to see him go."

Dollin went on to divulge his future career plans. "I'm getting into the fashion industry. Anyone who saw my episode of Epicly Later'd knows that I am really into fashion, and have a keen sense of creativity. The good thing about my new career is that it will still allow me to dabble in the skateboard industry. I'll be helping with apparel design at Baker, I have some great ideas for some puffy shirts, and I'll also still be helping out at Vans with shoe designs. Right now though my main focus is on the world of high fashion. I've recently signed a contract with Benjamin Cho as a runway director, and I am really excited about that. There are a lot of similarities between skating and walking the runway. Both take grace, finesse, and a lot of courage. With that in mind, I believe I am in a unique position to bring a little bit of extreme to the runway."
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Pictured below are shots of Dollin at his new position, overlooking Benjamin Cho's Spring 2008 runway show:

Industry News: Circa Changes Logo

Monday, November 26th, 2007:
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Earlier today Frank Cartwright, press publicist for Circa Footwear sent out to industry insiders a press release with some surprising news:

"It is announced today, that Circa will be changing it's official logo." The press release stated. "While our previous logo has been immensely successful for us, and we may still use it on some products, we just thought that a fresh and exciting change was in order."

The press release further went on to explain why they wanted a change. "We here at Circa feel that our old logo was rather generic and arbitrary. And what we're really looking for now is a logo that really represents exactly what our company is all about, the quality of our goods, and just the overall aesthetic of our company."

To get a sneak preview of the new logo, click HERE.

Press Release: Genesis Inline

Jamie Thomas Announces New Brand Under Black Box Distribution
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Late Friday afternoon, Jamie Thomas shocked the skateboarding world by announcing that he was adding another company to his already heavily stacked list of brands operating under his Black Box Distribution. However, it wasn't the fact that he was starting a new company that was shocking, rather the nature of the brand that shocked attendees at the press release.

"It's an inline skate company" Thomas revealed. "I know that the worlds of skateboarding and inline skating have been at eachother's throats for a very long time. However, I think that this is a vast, untapped area of the action sports industry that needs proper representation. So without further ado, I proudly introduce Genesis Inline."

However, what was even more shocking to the crowd in attendance was Jamie's announcement that not only was he starting an inline skate company, but also that he would be retiring from skateboarding to be the very first pro for Genesis Inline.

"I just feel that I've gone as far as I can with skateboarding. I mean, you can only lipslide so many twelve-stair rails, you know? With inline skating, I feel that there is a huge potential for me to go bigger with both gaps and rails now that I will have the wheels attached to my feet, and don't have to worry about the board getting away on me." Thomas assured everyone that we could still look forward to seeing him skate in his usual "Go big or go home" style.

"I've recently jumped the biggest double set I've ever done. I feel like I am really helping to advance the sport."

"I've even gone back to conquer the Leap Of Faith, but once again couldn't pull it together."

"But one day I know, by the grace of God, I'll conquer it."

Thomas went on to talk about his pro model skate The Messiah, and gave everyone there a sneak preview on what it would look like.


Thomas then went on to announce the team. "This is very exciting for both skateboarding AND inline skating..." he stated. "We really are combining the best of both worlds, bringing over established skateboard pros such as Josh Kasper and Chad Fernandez to our inline team, but also we have on board some of the most revolutionary inline skaters today such as Chris Farmer. I mean have you seen that kinked rail he did? Pure insanity."


When asked what his inspiration was for starting an inline skate company, Thomas responded: "Well like I said, it's just a huge, untapped market. It seems that the majority of of inline skaters, and inline skate companies are really oriented towards a more "fresh" gangsta sort of style. This leaves a huge opportunity for more of a"hesh" representation. Also, I think it's a really great opportunity that I can't pass up to help spread the word of the Lord to a whole new group of kids. I just feel like Jesus has blessed me with so much, from sleeping on the streets in San Francisco to owning four successful companies."

"Well, actually soon to be five I guess." He added in afterwards with a slight chuckle.

NAMBLA

"July 1st, 2007
NAMBLA Announces It's 2007 Extreme Eye-Candy Award Recepient

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NAMBLA, the North American Man-Boy Love Association held a press conference to announce their 2007 recepient of their "Extreme Eye-Candy Award", and award geared to honour the more attractive facet of the extreme sports world.

Jarrad Feinberg, the group's spokesperson for this conference had the following to say:
"We here at NAMBLA are proud to present our 2007 Extreme Eye-Candy Award to the one, the only Ryan Sheckler!"

"The decision wasn't an easy one." Feinberg went on to state "With an ever increasing presence in the skateboard industry by young boys under the age of 18, we really had a plethora of talented skaters to choose from. Riley Hawk, David Loy, and that new David Gonzales were all very close runners up."

In the end however, Ryan Sheckler grasped the win as though he were taking home another gold medal finish at the X-Games.
"Really we had to give it to Sheckler, I mean those dreamy eyes, the six pack physique, the shirtless frolicking with other young men, not to mention the fact that he has a tattoo of his name across his back at 16 years old were all overwhelming factors. I mean really, can you say "bad boy?!"

When asked for some sort of predictions on who may take the prize next year, Feinberg speculated:
"Well I saw the new Element video and that Nyjah Huston's thighs certainly seem to be getting stronger. I think he may be a very strong contender for next year. I would really like to see him cut those icky, icky dreads though."



We here at You Will Soon would like to congratulate Ryan on his win, and for somehow taking these extremely homosexual photos of himself and letting them leak onto the internet, single handedly setting back all the credibility he has earned over the past few years. Way to go Shecks, you almost had legit skater status there for a little bit.

All Day I Dream About Switch-front-shove-it-late-flip-manuals.

Since we are talking so much about shoes here on YWS lately, and giving Adidas so much free press, I figured I would post their latest press release from this morning:

"June 18, 2007.
Adidas Skateboarding Announces It's Highly Anticipated Fourth Rider
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We here at Adidas believe in honouring the roots of skateboarding, so with that being said we are proud announce one of the most technical skateboarders of all time to the Adidas Skateboarding program: Dave Mayhew.



Dave Mayhew, a native of Madison, Wisconson made his pro debut in the mid-90s on the immensely succesful Maple Skateboards. Quickly rising to the top of the professional skateboard ranks, Mayhew was best known for his NBD (Never Been Done) technical maneuvers. A very important mainstay of Osiris shoes, Mayhew was also responsible for the best selling skateboard shoe in the history of the industry, The Osiris D-3.

"We're very excited to be working with Dave on the Adidas skate program." Frank Abernathy, head of Adidas Research & Development stated this morning; "Dave has a long and lustrous history of succesful skate shoes, and we are proud to announce that we are currently working on a much anticipated Mayhew pro shoe for Adidas."

Please join us in welcoming Dave to the Adidas program, and you can expect his first Adidas pro shoe to hit the shelves in time for Christmas 2007. In the meantime, here is a little sneak preview of the first sample of the Adidas D-1."